Registration course schedules are lovely–except for classes that have vague titles such as, “The Uncanny,” or history courses that cause unprecedented cringing when the workload is unknown. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some reference as to what the classes were about, and if they had finals, and papers…

Yep, it exists in the midst of the Liberal Arts college Web site like shiny buried treasure. All classes listed with full descriptions of exactly what you’ll learn, how many tests you will take, and how many papers you will write.

Fall ‘08 doesn’t stand a chance against these mad skills.

Registration time is upon us, and while some groan at taking the stereotypical Fine Arts course to fulfill credits, others pull hair to find filler time for prime thumb-twiddling before graduation.

UT for Dummies has a few recommendations to help escape HIS 315: United States, 1492-1865 and other life draining courses.

For the Fine Arts credit:

Try MUS 307: History of Rock music. The homework equals… listening to really good music.

For the American history credit:

• AFR 374D/ WGS 340: Black women in America
• AFR 374D/ AMS 321/ MAS 374: US in Civil Rights Era
• AMS 310: Intro to American Studies
• AMS 370: Movies and Modern America
• WGS 301: US Women and Gender until 1865
• AAS 325: History of the US West
• R S 346: Jesus in American culture

For the writing courses credit:

• AMS 311S: Coming of age in America (youth culture)
• AMS 311S: American Places of Leisure
• WGS 322: Sociology of Masculinities (examines the macho effect)
• RHE 309K, #45035: Rhetoric of Fairy Tales
• RHE 309K, #45045: Rhetoric of the American future
• RHE 309K, #45060: Rhetoric of comic books
• RHE 309K, #45075: Rhetoric of makeovers
• RHE 309K, #45125: Rhetoric of Southern rock
• RHE 309K, #45155: Rhetoric of conspiracy theories

For the whatev credit:

• ENS 107S, #25460: Javanese Gamelan. Only here will you be able to have a one-hour class of hitting a gong. Additionally, UT is one of 12 colleges in the country to have a gamelan class.
• ENS 107S, #25490: North Indian music. A tough class to get into due to size limitations… but fulfill your dream of learning sitar from one of Ravi Shankar’s own students. Yes, he has met George Harrison.

Of course, these are only just a few courses to take–but none of these require prerequisites for even the biggest dummie.

 I usually delete the ‘please take a moment to fill out this survey about the university’ email from my inbox before I even open it.  Today though, the gmail preview read, “Congratulations! You have the distinguished opportunity to participate in..”

Wow!  Congratulations AND distinguished: two words that make me want to read on.

Yep, I was sucked in.   I ended up completing a survey about something I am completely removed from - UT athletics.  I did, however, think it was amusing that UT is trying to figure out how to promote academics as grandly as sports already are.  It’ll never happen, largely because a lot of the promotion is out of the university’s hands (media coverage, alumni, etc).

Side note:   I also had to complete a page about myself.  Under sexual orientation, the options included (but not limited to) gay, lesbian, male bisexual, female bisexual and queer.  Did I miss something?

My condo complex is a giant chocolate chip in the West Campus cookie. The Croix is infamous for its West Campus expansion area of who knows how many block(-party)s.

This explanation barely scrapes the gentle surface of the environmental transformation process the Croix experiences every Saturday night to Sunday morning.

The saga of my upstairs neighbors continues. Known for previously throwing trash down the stairs and bashing the upstairs window in a fit of drunken rage, last night their story was toned down when they simply could not finish their last bite of pizza and their last sip of Coca Cola.

The pizza was not found on the scene.

This has been a brief and first introductory episode of “The Croix Report.” Tune in next Sunday for more compartmentalized apartment stories, or later this eve as more details unfold.

Children of the 90s’, I beckon thee;

Remember this character?

Ya, we all remember Hammer time. And that time is again.

Meet A’Keiba Burrell, Sir Hammer’s lovely 20-year-old daughter… AND UT MUSIC STUDENT.

Bam. Burrell, however, has taken the semester off to participate in MTV’s “Rock the Cradle,” a show about celebrity children who compete in a talent-show-type environment. The audience gets to vote who goes and stays.

Basically, a vote for her is a vote for UT and for MC Hammer. Can’t touch this…

…But there are some things that will.

Apartments and condos that are decorated nicely and kept in good quality are often chosen to be shown by realty agents, meaning that your personal belongings become exhibits in the effed-up museum of the big-money property game.

Recently my apartment has been shown up to three times a day–one time even during dinner— ripping my roommate and I of privacy and comfort. Deadbolting stopped working after they complained to our landlord.

So how to get rid of your real estate infestation problem?

The key point to remember: don’t get evicted. Leaving an apartment/condo filthy is bad for everyone. Instead, try these simple pointers:

• Leave out objects society finds uncomfortable in a notable place like the living room floor. For example: lubricant, condoms, sex toys, and porn magazines. Realty agents often show apartments in accompaniment with parents, and parents don’t want to see that kids in your complex are ::shudder:: having intercourse.

(Lubricant on display)

• Leave out an overwhelming amount of alcohol. This is only suggested if you have NOT HAD a warning against you in the past. Empty and full bottles and cans left all over the abode will also hint to parents that this complex is no place for little Betty.

But remember, do not leave out anything ILLEGAL, including paraphernalia. You have to keep your apartment societally filthy and taboo.

So the next time Joe calls and says he’s got an appointment at your place…. Make sure he knows it will be the last.

Ever read the UTPD Campus Watch archive?

First and foremost, the writing is brilliant. Without it, one would never know that UT police officers move with “cat-like reflexes.”

UT for Dummies fave crime from yesterday:

Burglary of Coin-Operated Machine: A UT staff member discovered four coin-operated machines located inside the women’s restroom had been forced open and an unknown amount of product had been stolen. Loss value: Unknown at this time. Discovered on: 3-28-07 at 9:30 PM.

Loss value of tampons: priceless, is what they meant to say.

Additionally, the faithful squad posted this:

“Again the University of Texas Police Department is asking for your assistance in reporting any and all suspicious activity that you witness. Your telephone call could earn you a pizza of your choice.”

For joining clubs, solving crime, winning sports games… we salute you pizza.

West campus construction sites have created an unprecedented forum for E-Bus and WC-Bus riders, along with passerby who carry a sharpie… and a spray paint can.

The online celebrity tabloid “The Popcrunch Show” released an article entitled, “Hottest Student Bodies: The 50 Best Colleges Ranked by Looks” Monday, which displayed a list of 50 colleges and a blurb about the female population at each with photos attached.

Unfortunately, Texas women placed 12th. Then again, it was hard to compete with the top 10 when a typical top 10 photo (like this from Auburn University

)

had to compete with a photo like this from our modest, stalked UT female population:

(our editors agreed this girl has no idea she was included on this site, nor being watched).

The blurb about us Texas ladies stated: “One word: chaps. They make for some of the hottest cheerleaders in the country. Like Ohio State, the University of Texas is absolutely massive, so no matter your taste in women you’ll be able to find it here.”

Here are some suggestions to get us number one next time:

• Wear chaps all the time!
• Save those pennies for bigger breasts!
• Look into the camera like you want that number one title (don’t be afraid of strangers taking pictures from high elevations)!
• Never give up! This is important!

And since the top winner was Arizona State, get UT back up to number one party school. Incoherence is very attractive on a young lady.

And quit being so modest!

Shutting down the sarcasm: UT women=number one.