So these last few weeks of school push even the most dedicated and responsible student to the brink of insanity. In honor of this delirium, UT4D invites you to participate in our first ever photo contest. Here’s how it works:

 1. See students studying/sleeping/looking stressed around the city

2. Snap a pic.

3. Send the pic and caption to UTforDummiesATgmailDOTcom.

The pics will be judged, ranked then uploaded to the site in all of their glory the day after finals end. So step up to the challenge and have some fun during these weeks of hell….

UT is home to one powerful phallic symbol: a giant laser that produces a petawatt (a quadrillion watts) of energy. The laser is part of the Texas Petawatt Project–supporting the most powerful laser on earth.

Even Wired magazine featured a snazzy article today–that’s right FEATURED–on its site. Notice, however, that all the photos were given to them?

That’s because it’s top secret–Damn right. Locked away in the basement of some cold, ugly engineering building, only authorized personal may access it. Few have seen it and fewer have lived to tell of it… Others furtively captured a video for us on a mobile phone.

The laser is actually so powerful, its capable of creating a star.

*And what the Daily Texan didn’t tell you– it’s used for expanding fusion energy research.

Damn we’re cool.

So on Sunday night, some guy in Jester beat the crap out of some drunken man who stumbled into his room. Apparently the man had waltzed right in and hit the student in the face, before the Jester rez knocked him clean out.

Although my mom encouraged me to purchase some mace before coming to this big bad city, I realized today that this small town chick would be in a world of hurt if a drunken idiot hit her in the face.

So I decided to look up some places to take some lesson in general butt-kicking. Here’s what I found near campus:

Kim Soo Karate on South Lamar:

Kinda pricey at 120 bucks for six weeks. But apparently you get one of those bathrobe uniforms and a gym bag.

Plus, it looks like these gals could take on anybody:

And speaking of pics… sign me up for whatever class this woman is taking…

Sun Dragon Martial Arts on Riverside. $85.

And they have this archive of blogs called “Why I Train.” Here’s a little morsel from on for all you peeps out there…

Jen

Training Since: August 2005

I train because to not train is to deny myself needs
that are as primal as hunger,
natural as breathing,
innate as a heartbeat.

My body needs movement.
Therefore,
I move it though kata, kihons,
self-defense drills.
I move it against bags and ukes.
I move it through kumite.

My mind needs puzzles;
to sort through the intricacies of
a combination or a kata
keeps me sharp and ready.

My soul needs community.
Walking into the dojo is to
walk into a friend’s embrace
irrespective of the quality
of your mood,
irrespective of what you are
able to give that day.

To train is to meet the requirements of my soul’s dynamism.
I am blessed to do that at Sun Dragon.

Friends and hands of death? Yes please.

Children of the 90s’, I beckon thee;

Remember this character?

Ya, we all remember Hammer time. And that time is again.

Meet A’Keiba Burrell, Sir Hammer’s lovely 20-year-old daughter… AND UT MUSIC STUDENT.

Bam. Burrell, however, has taken the semester off to participate in MTV’s “Rock the Cradle,” a show about celebrity children who compete in a talent-show-type environment. The audience gets to vote who goes and stays.

Basically, a vote for her is a vote for UT and for MC Hammer. Can’t touch this…

…But there are some things that will.

Apartments and condos that are decorated nicely and kept in good quality are often chosen to be shown by realty agents, meaning that your personal belongings become exhibits in the effed-up museum of the big-money property game.

Recently my apartment has been shown up to three times a day–one time even during dinner— ripping my roommate and I of privacy and comfort. Deadbolting stopped working after they complained to our landlord.

So how to get rid of your real estate infestation problem?

The key point to remember: don’t get evicted. Leaving an apartment/condo filthy is bad for everyone. Instead, try these simple pointers:

• Leave out objects society finds uncomfortable in a notable place like the living room floor. For example: lubricant, condoms, sex toys, and porn magazines. Realty agents often show apartments in accompaniment with parents, and parents don’t want to see that kids in your complex are ::shudder:: having intercourse.

(Lubricant on display)

• Leave out an overwhelming amount of alcohol. This is only suggested if you have NOT HAD a warning against you in the past. Empty and full bottles and cans left all over the abode will also hint to parents that this complex is no place for little Betty.

But remember, do not leave out anything ILLEGAL, including paraphernalia. You have to keep your apartment societally filthy and taboo.

So the next time Joe calls and says he’s got an appointment at your place…. Make sure he knows it will be the last.

Ever read the UTPD Campus Watch archive?

First and foremost, the writing is brilliant. Without it, one would never know that UT police officers move with “cat-like reflexes.”

UT for Dummies fave crime from yesterday:

Burglary of Coin-Operated Machine: A UT staff member discovered four coin-operated machines located inside the women’s restroom had been forced open and an unknown amount of product had been stolen. Loss value: Unknown at this time. Discovered on: 3-28-07 at 9:30 PM.

Loss value of tampons: priceless, is what they meant to say.

Additionally, the faithful squad posted this:

“Again the University of Texas Police Department is asking for your assistance in reporting any and all suspicious activity that you witness. Your telephone call could earn you a pizza of your choice.”

For joining clubs, solving crime, winning sports games… we salute you pizza.

West campus construction sites have created an unprecedented forum for E-Bus and WC-Bus riders, along with passerby who carry a sharpie… and a spray paint can.

The online celebrity tabloid “The Popcrunch Show” released an article entitled, “Hottest Student Bodies: The 50 Best Colleges Ranked by Looks” Monday, which displayed a list of 50 colleges and a blurb about the female population at each with photos attached.

Unfortunately, Texas women placed 12th. Then again, it was hard to compete with the top 10 when a typical top 10 photo (like this from Auburn University

)

had to compete with a photo like this from our modest, stalked UT female population:

(our editors agreed this girl has no idea she was included on this site, nor being watched).

The blurb about us Texas ladies stated: “One word: chaps. They make for some of the hottest cheerleaders in the country. Like Ohio State, the University of Texas is absolutely massive, so no matter your taste in women you’ll be able to find it here.”

Here are some suggestions to get us number one next time:

• Wear chaps all the time!
• Save those pennies for bigger breasts!
• Look into the camera like you want that number one title (don’t be afraid of strangers taking pictures from high elevations)!
• Never give up! This is important!

And since the top winner was Arizona State, get UT back up to number one party school. Incoherence is very attractive on a young lady.

And quit being so modest!

Shutting down the sarcasm: UT women=number one.