After enduring a day and a half of the master cleanse, I quit. And I’m not a quitter.

I quit for the following reasons:

a) I’m a journalist, which means coffee is at the top of my food group pyramid. No caffeine? No thanks.

b) As I gulped my first salt water cleanse, I watched an assortment of weirdos’ videos on YouTube who vlogged about their own master cleanse experience. I don’t know if it was their personality or the diet, but I didn’t want to be anything like them…

c) I have colitis, which the cleanse is actually supposed to help. Except,I think it almost killed me instead.

d) Starvation is pretty distracting from school. My weekend activities consisted of not eating, trying to study, and sleeping.

e) A lot of people do this thing to lose weight. The only fat I have to lose is in my ass–And I like my ass. It’s here to stay.

f) I had no genuine motive. What I sought in the experience I got: a greater appreciation for eating. So if I gain weight in the coming weeks, it was the cleanse’s fault.

Overall, I’d say try it, but don’t expect to like it. My friend who lent me the book did it over Xmas break–These kinds of vacation periods are the best times to do it, not during hectic end-of-semester hell. Do it if you need it, but remember that the water weight you lose will come back to those thighs. And then, like a fool, you will reflect on having drank a disgusting liter of salt water every day for 10 days.

P.S. I’m totally drinking coffee right now, and smiling.

And just for fun:

Yayuhhhh

The moon is big and clear tonight and oh-my-god I’m hungry.

I awoke late in the afternoon, which meant a late start for the diet. I had promised a friend to eat lunch as sort of a last meal type event.

Last meal: veggie wrap with sweet potato fries from Galaxy Cafe (that place is awesome by the way–north on Lamar, right on Enfield, left on West Lynn–it’s to your right). I savored every last bite and ventured to the land of groceries to collect my supplies.

Good purified water (empty bottles recycled), maple syrup (the pamphlet suggests pure and dark), a bag of fresh lemons, and some cayenne pepper accompanied me home for my adventure to starve-land. My large lunch of deliciousness prevented me from doing the salt water internal cleanse, since it must be done on an empty stomach.

My partner in crime: a juicer my mom bought for me at a garage sale when I went to college. I squeezed six lemons and found it made 3/4 cup lemon juice. I adjusted the recipe for that measurement…

There she is.

The biggest diet so far has been completely mental. It’s amazing to realize how much food becomes ingrained into thoughts and actions. Advertisements stand out. And then comes out the fact that food plays such a large role in socialization… Eat dinner with some friends? Negative. Movie? No snacks. Night at the bar? No alcohol allowed. I actually don’t even know what my money will be spent on this week at all.

Otherwise, I’m pretty irritable, tired, and I’d be an amateur at a hunger strike.

I wish I had a huge piece of ice cream cake.