…But there are some things that will.

Apartments and condos that are decorated nicely and kept in good quality are often chosen to be shown by realty agents, meaning that your personal belongings become exhibits in the effed-up museum of the big-money property game.

Recently my apartment has been shown up to three times a day–one time even during dinner— ripping my roommate and I of privacy and comfort. Deadbolting stopped working after they complained to our landlord.

So how to get rid of your real estate infestation problem?

The key point to remember: don’t get evicted. Leaving an apartment/condo filthy is bad for everyone. Instead, try these simple pointers:

• Leave out objects society finds uncomfortable in a notable place like the living room floor. For example: lubricant, condoms, sex toys, and porn magazines. Realty agents often show apartments in accompaniment with parents, and parents don’t want to see that kids in your complex are ::shudder:: having intercourse.

(Lubricant on display)

• Leave out an overwhelming amount of alcohol. This is only suggested if you have NOT HAD a warning against you in the past. Empty and full bottles and cans left all over the abode will also hint to parents that this complex is no place for little Betty.

But remember, do not leave out anything ILLEGAL, including paraphernalia. You have to keep your apartment societally filthy and taboo.

So the next time Joe calls and says he’s got an appointment at your place…. Make sure he knows it will be the last.