Realtors show you that magic apartment, and your eyes put on their jogging glasses and sprint across the lease contract until that final signature and date input line, where the most jagged, incomprehensible blurb of name is etched onto parchment.

Then you and your roommate(s) move in, and start, or end up, to hate one another.

These are some tips/legal things you skipped/need to know:

TIP: Never put your name under the utilities/electric bill. Cable is okay because you can cancel at any time and leave the place a reasonable environment (step 1: take modem, step 2: turn it in). The other is far more complicated to cancel or switch names for, and you don’t want a bill under your name eroding into some bad credit on your wonderful colleagues’ behalf.

LEGAL FACTS:

• Make sure to distinguish between an “application fee” and an “application deposit.” The fee is non-refundable, so better make sure you got the place secured before you throw away that money.
• Landlords are not required by law to fix minor repairs, as in repairs that don’t endanger health or safety. Inspect, inspect, inspect.
• If the landlord does not repair a major problem after a second written notice, there are a few choices:
  • have it repaired and let it be deducted from your rent.
  • sue (many Texas lawyers are dying to meet you).
  • move on out.
• The landlord can only lock a tenant out or change the locks after notification and if rent is past due.
• Subleasing behind the landlord’s back is cause for eviction and legal action.
• The security deposit cannot be kept for simple “wear and tear;” in other words, a carpet that has an imprint from furniture, or carpet that is slightly worn cannot be considered damage.

Happy moving, and choose roomies wisely.

Don’t get too excited, because we’re just talking about cardboard boxes.

A little trip to the Co-op the other day alerted UTDummies and the rest of the hopeless and migrant student population that our Longhorn-brand-selling-amigos were charging almost $3 for one cardboard box.

Additionally, a virtual trip to craigslist alerted UTDummies that everyone is freaking out and needs boxes.

So where to go to get sturdy, nice boxes for free, and with endless supply? The liquor store.

Why, we visited Centennial on Guadalupe and 30th just yesterday, and the nice man was just begging us to take away his boxes bearing the lovely names of “Wild Turkey,” “Buffalo Trace,” and “Captain Morgan”–all of our good friends.

This website has a list of liquor stores in Austin. Just remember, you went for the boxes.

To stay undercover, we video-ed from a point-and-shoot (hence the side view); however, it didn’t stop merry E-Bus riders from getting suspicious about the camera. Here’s the story.

1) Isn’t she contemplating that “porn” a little too hard?

2) Does this girl know she is in this ad?

As University of Texas students, we hail from far and wide to trek through campus everyday in the pursuit of a higher education. We patiently wait for busses, dodge oncoming traffic at busy intersections, and barely bypass those who stop to chat front and center on narrow campus sidewalks.

But amidst all of our different campus obstacles there seems to be one thing we have all encountered, withstood, and conquered. Maybe it’s something in the water but as of becoming UT students we have all seemed to master a particular and systematic approach to evading the West Mall handouts.  

Some dramatically drop their heads to avoid eye contact, others conveniently check their cell phones for text messages or missed calls, and few even avoid the West Mall altogether eliminating any possibility of confrontation with a brightly colored flyer.

 It’s a war zone out there kids. Flyers, candy, and baked goods bombard you from every angle. If you don’t watch out who knows what these persistent and enthusiastic volunteers could thrust upon you…flag football tournaments? LSAT classes? A political endorsement flyer?? Below is proof that these people are out there, they want you, and they don’t seem to care even a little bit if they are repeatedly ignored in their attempts.

Guy 1: “Hey man, did you get to try those brownies last night?”

Guy 2: “Ya they were awesome!”

Guy 1: “Ya, Eric did a really good job. Too bad they didn’t have any ::nudge:: ::nudge:: special ingredients in them.”

Guy 2: “Ya they did!”

Guy 1: “Nuh uh! Are you sure?”

Guy 2: “I saw the box! There was fudge I think.”

::uncomfortable silence::

Guy 1: “That’s not what I meant, man.”

Nelo is this local band that sounds like a combination of Dave Matthews and John Mayer. They are really awesome and their new CD just came out on Tuesday. I highly recommend it! They are also playing at Antones on Saturday night (4/26). On Wednesday, their CD was 40 on the top CD’s purchased on iTunes, so that definitely confirms they are awesome! Check out their Web site and go hear them live on Saturday. You won’t be disappointed. www.nelomusic.com 

Three aggravated robberies in the past three weeks? Yikes. And the fact he keeps going back to the RLM makes me wonder how bad he wants that laser.

According to the descriptions from UTPD, the culprit is about 6 foot, medium build, wearing a black mask, and brandishing a weapon.

In other words, if you see a dude like this walking around, you’ve got him.

Crime has risen on the premises, no doubt. There was not even a record of a robbery or forced burglary on UT campus in 2008 according to the UTPD crime statistics. In 2007, only one forced burglary was reported and no robberies whatsoever.

So what’s the deal? How safe are we really? UT administrators have refused to disclose the number of surveillance cameras on campus or their locations.

With finals coming up, walking home at night is inevitable (except at that point, no student is nothin’ to f with). Walking in groups at this time is especially inconvenient.

Safety is knowing where we can be observed on camera. Some pepper spray wouldn’t kill you either (get it at any bicycle shop–there is one on 24th and Rio Grande and another on 29th and Lamar).

Protect yourself–Zorro is still out there.

Bands, fans, BBQ and a statue resembling an elated Richard Simmons ….. a winning combination for an optimum concert going experience?

According to ContactMusic.com, the answer is yes.

Congratulations, Stubb’s. For today you are venue king. The rest are clearly not worthy…

In light of the stoner’s holiday that blew in with a cloud of BBQ smoke and out with a cloud of.. well.. you know.., I decided to investigate a UT myth that has been circling around campus for the last few decades.

A close friend and alibi, who graduated from UT in the late ’90s, told me about a hidden ‘pipe’ - if you will - that facilitated the smoking of various plants and herbs on campus. Apparently there was a time when smoking whatever/whenever was tolerated?  Not sure.  Anyway, this pipe is supposed to be carved out of the wall in this vicinity:

In case you can’t recognize this space, it is the area to the Southeast of the tower. The above picture is only an example of the wall, but I was not given any specific directions on where to look for this mystery piece. I examined the wall with much precision, but all I found were blemishes in the stone like this one:

After searching for something I decided doesn’t exist, I realized the task at hand was much too large for one person. That wall is huge! I was looking for a needle in a hay stack.

Urban legend or real antique paraphernalia? I wish i knew..

After enduring a day and a half of the master cleanse, I quit. And I’m not a quitter.

I quit for the following reasons:

a) I’m a journalist, which means coffee is at the top of my food group pyramid. No caffeine? No thanks.

b) As I gulped my first salt water cleanse, I watched an assortment of weirdos’ videos on YouTube who vlogged about their own master cleanse experience. I don’t know if it was their personality or the diet, but I didn’t want to be anything like them…

c) I have colitis, which the cleanse is actually supposed to help. Except,I think it almost killed me instead.

d) Starvation is pretty distracting from school. My weekend activities consisted of not eating, trying to study, and sleeping.

e) A lot of people do this thing to lose weight. The only fat I have to lose is in my ass–And I like my ass. It’s here to stay.

f) I had no genuine motive. What I sought in the experience I got: a greater appreciation for eating. So if I gain weight in the coming weeks, it was the cleanse’s fault.

Overall, I’d say try it, but don’t expect to like it. My friend who lent me the book did it over Xmas break–These kinds of vacation periods are the best times to do it, not during hectic end-of-semester hell. Do it if you need it, but remember that the water weight you lose will come back to those thighs. And then, like a fool, you will reflect on having drank a disgusting liter of salt water every day for 10 days.

P.S. I’m totally drinking coffee right now, and smiling.

And just for fun:

Yayuhhhh

For any dummies at UTSA that haven’t discovered Pat O’Briens in downtown San Antonio, check it out. This awesome piano player is really entertaining to watch.   

It’s never too early to get tickets for Austin City Limits, especially now that they’ve released the line-up for the September event.

The list includes:

Foo Fighters

Gnarls Barkley

Beck

The Raconteurs

and more…

That’s right, UT4D wants YOU!

We want to keep this little blog baby alive, and the more contributers, the merrier. Email your ideas, suggestions, or express your desire to join the UT4D team: utfordummies@gmail.com.

OH! and if being awesome isn’t incentive enough, we’re getting t-shirts soon. One could be yours at the price of 0$ !!!!!